Lifestyle

Medical Professionals Share the Dumbest Ways they’ve Seen People Self Treat Medical Conditions

If the sun doesn’t cure him, then maybe the moon will! “GP here. The most outrageous thing I’ve heard was from a boy who was something… Trista - November 21, 2022

If the sun doesn’t cure him, then maybe the moon will!

“GP here. The most outrageous thing I’ve heard was from a boy who was something like 20-22 years old. They were a very poor, illiterate family. The boy had a bad case of tonsillitis and refused to take any meds because all he needed to do was “bite the sun.” Basically, at noon, he had to look up to the sun, open his mouth as wide as possible and “bite” the sun several times so it would “burn” his tonsils and cure him over the course of a couple of weeks. When that wouldn’t work, plan B was to do the same at night but only under a full moon.”

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RoundUp kills weeds and potentially people, but not tumors.

We really do have to wonder how some of these people ever made it to adulthood in one piece. This man really thought this would work. That’s pretty terrifying. “Had an old farmer come into the ED one day with a severely infected wound on his head. It turned out he had a growth developing on his head for the past few weeks (which turned out to be a tumor). He had been treating it with RoundUp (a potent weed killer) because “that s**t kills everything “…” It’s a wonder how he never killed his crops or farm animals if this is the way he thought of things.

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Duct tape does not fix everything, especially medical conditions.

“I responded to a 9-1-1 call for a man bleeding. Supposedly the guy had an angiogram (catheter stuck in the artery near your groin to look at the blood vessels near your heart for blockages) earlier that day and was released with explicit instructions not to mess with the bulky dressing. The old coot decides to “adjust” it, causing it to open and pouring blood out his artery. What does the guy do? He puts duct tape all around his groin. Not just a few pieces, no, all attached to his junk and up and down the leg. It was a noble attempt but did not do much to control the arterial pulsations.”

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Food is for your mouth, not your eyes — or for medical conditions!

We are supposed to eat food. We are not supposed to put it in or on anywhere else in the body but our mouth. However, some people may argue that you can use certain foods to treat certain ailments. Obviously, this guy who came in with a condition did not think about his home remedy thing all the way through first. “My patient was instilling honey in his eyes to “treat his cataracts and glaucoma”… what. Yes, he came in for conjunctivitis cause bacteria were having a party on his corneas.” Talk about a sweet lesson in life he had to learn.

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Sadly, not all prayers receive an answer.

Some people believe in putting all their faith into prayers, thinking that you can pray away an illness. As anyone with a brain would know, you can’t get rid of a sickness or condition by bowing your head and praying for a cure. However, that’s not the case for these people. “One kid’s parents canceled the surgery to repair his ACL because people had prayed for him at their church the Sunday beforehand, which had apparently cured him. They called and scheduled surgery later in the week.” It’s safe to say that maybe they learned their lesson in when to pray and when to let doctors take the reins.

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Always remember to brush your teeth, children. Otherwise, you can have some nasty medical conditions.

“I know a doctor. She told me a story (EDIT: that she heard from another doctor) about how this guy came into the ER, an absolute nervous wreck. He was brushing his teeth for the first time in a couple of years (he was homeless and couldn’t afford toothbrushes or toothpaste) when he found a maggot in his mouth. This frequently happened over the course of 3 days, and he self-diagnosed himself with oral myiasis. Now, this guy was bats**t afraid of bugs, so he tried to get ’em out via the quickest way possible – ipecac. He didn’t think that one through and ended up vomiting shiploads of maggots before calling 911. The doc sympathized with him. I’d freak out, too, if I barfed up fifty maggots. S**t’s scary.”

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Ahh, the good old fashion game of Will They Live or Will They Die?

“I used to work in a lab in a hospital in a rural town. I got a stool sample from the ER that was basically a blood clot the size of a golf ball. Sometimes the ER gets mixed up and sends me the wrong specimen, like some kind of body fluid, and labels it as urine, for example. I called the patient’s nurse and asked what the deal was with the patient, and if it was really stool they sent up. The nurse I talked to say the patient thought he’d eaten bad pork and, to prevent food poisoning, drank a concoction of bleach, rubbing alcohol, vodka, ibuprofen, and some Tums.”

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Sir, that is NOT how that works.

“Patient comes into the ED with an abscess. He tells us he knew he had an infection and so ate a pound and a half of raw steak to get the antibiotics given to the cow.” If he thought this was how he could get antibiotics into his system, he may want to pick up a book and read a little. Some people really should leave this sort of thing up to the specialists to handle when it comes to treating things, especially if they think that this sort of thing would actually work.

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That is not how they treat any medical conditions.

“Had a Marine stick a Q-tip up his d*** dipped in hand sanitizer because he thought he got the clap in Thailand. That’s not what Navy medical does, guy.” Talk about a stinger. Not only does this man potentially have the clap, but he also has to deal with the stinging pain of something going up his urethra and having that thing be covered in hand sanitizer, to boot. This was not a smart decision on this guy’s part. Maybe next time, he will learn to practice safe s**. Just to be clear, there is no sort of medical condition that would require this sort of treatment.

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Hot metal will definitely do some damage.

“I’m a nursing student, and one of my patients had an earache, so he decided to hold his daughter’s bobby pin to a candle for roughly 5 minutes and then shoved it in the ear that hurt. He is now deaf in that ear and was on fall precautions since he couldn’t walk straight. As a bonus, I was able to listen to every episode of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air that was on that day wherever I was on the floor because the TV was on the loudest volume possible.” Too bad this kid had to suffer from his dad’s stupidity.

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Do NOT try to pull your own teeth… especially not with a screwdriver

“Dentist reporting in: I had a guy who had tried to pry his own tooth out with a screwdriver. It did not go well.” Not only does this sound stupid, but also quite painful! Maybe this guy was trying to save money, or maybe he has a fear of dentist offices. Whatever the reason may be for his choosing to pull his own tooth out with a screwdriver, it wasn’t a very good one. Hopefully, he learned his lesson on why you should leave certain things to the professionals. They know what they’re doing. Plus, they have the proper tools and equipment to do those sorts of tasks.

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It seems that not all old wives’ tales are something you should believe in when it comes to medical conditions.

“I am an EMT who works in the ER. We once had a patient who spilled hot grease all over his arms after a small fryer accident. This happened with the patient’s In-laws, who happened to be Chinese. Apparently, an old wives’ tale in China says to treat burns with a layer of toothpaste and rock salt. Not wanting to offend his In-laws, he goes along with this do-it-yourself treatment. I think I spent about three hours that evening picking rock salt out of 2nd-degree burns and then cleaning out all the now-dried toothpaste.”

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Not all stomach pains experienced by women are due to menstrual cramps.

“I have a buddy that is a medic in the United States Navy. One time when he was on leave and in town, we and all of our mutual friends were hanging out, shooting the s**t before a night of typical drunken shenanigans was surely to begin. He then proceeded to tell me multiple stories which I could not believe. I have forgotten pretty much all of them except for one… He told me how a young (late teens, early 20s) woman came in complaining of severe stomach pain. He was expecting to diagnose her with menstrual cramps or something else rudimentary and gave her basic pain meds etc.”

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Ladies! Potatoes belong on your plate, not in your “you know what.”

“She came back less than a week later, complaining that the pain had only increased. He decided to send her for an X-ray to get it checked out. He could not believe what the results showed. It **appeared** like roots of some sort were twisting and turning inside her abdomen and proceeding to wrap around her spine. Apparently, as a form of do-it-yourself birth control, this young lady had followed her mother’s instructions and cut the end off a potato and stuck it all the way up in her vajayjay. Well, in a damp, moist environment, it began to thrive, as well as partially rot. I cannot even imagine what her gyno must have said, but this story had me in a cold sweat, near dry heaving. Easily tops one of the most disturbing stories I’ve ever heard. Edit: Emphasis on **appeared**. He did not say it WAS wrapped around her spine. Just that’s what it LOOKED like it was about to do.”

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